As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
