I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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