I am spending my child support on dildos
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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