I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
