im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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