I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
