so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
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This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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