guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
