I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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