Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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