i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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