Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
