He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
