Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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