So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
