if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
