First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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