The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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