my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
