i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
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He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
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Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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