Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you win again, gameday.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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