I should be sponsored by Trojan
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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