Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
