my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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