I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
