I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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