Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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