weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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