U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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