Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
