nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
