dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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