I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
