wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
