i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
