Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
