never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
