hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
