You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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