i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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