As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
