A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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