I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
