Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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