I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
