im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
