Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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