OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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