Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
