Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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