I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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