god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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