Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
