On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
