Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
