her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
