so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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