so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
